Author: Adam M. Horn, LMFT

Parents with small children know the drill – today is the day to head off to the DMV, and there is nobody to watch the kids. Here are some simple steps you can take that won’t take a lot of time but will greatly help increase the chances that you can keep your cool.

1. Lay out your expectations in advance. Parents spend most days rushing from place-to-place, and it can be tough to carve out the time it takes to talk it out. But it’s worth it! The 5 minutes you spend letting the kids know what to expect from the outing and what you expect from them can have a big payoff.
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   • Tell them where you are going and why.
   • Tell them what to expect (such as long wait times, lots of other people waiting there too, the need for you to talk uninterrupted when you are finally called to the counter, and so on)
   • Most of all tell them just what you expect from their behavior – be concise, specific and age-appropriate with your words.
2. Stay positive with your message. If, like me, you have had some bad experiences with these kinds of outings in the past, it can be very tempting to predict the worst and emphasize what you don’t want to see rather than what you do want to see. The risk with this approach is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: kids often rise to our expectations of them, both good and bad. Nowadays, savvy training facilitators have learned it works better to tell audiences what to do instead of what not to do. A negative example often gets taken up, and participants end up doing the opposite of what you intended. It is the same with small children. Instead, vividly paint the positive picture you want to see and put the children right smack in the middle of that portrait.
3. Know your kids and bring the stuff they like. Some kids love books and will get lost in books if they have a few good ones with them. Other kids prefer art and can happily draw or doodle for hours. Some kids are more hands-on and do best if they have something they can squish and squeeze (like Silly Putty or Playdoh). While many kids prefer games that involve interaction and using their imagination with other kids or adults, the trick here is to come up with activities that will occupy and engage the children independently and quietly. Bring more than one activity, but remember, the more they like the activity, the more likely it will hold their attention. What about electronic gadgets, tablets, hand-held games, and so on? You might want to save those as your ace-in-the-hole. You might want to use them as rewards. In setting your expectations (Step 1), you can include “if this, then that” statements: “If you are able to read quietly for the first 30 minutes, then you will be able to play on your tablet for the next 30 minutes.”
   

   Pro-tip! You might also want to consider setting clear limits with screen time in general. If kids have unlimited time to access smartphones, tablets, televisions, computers, and so on, they will not learn other ways to occupy their minds – and the gadget will have much less ability to hold their attention when you really need it.

4. Eat, drink and be merry! Anyone with small children knows that they are grazers – lots of little snacks throughout the day with less appetite for big meals at mealtime. While this can be a source of frustration and discouragement for a parent who works hard on a homemade dinner, it can be an advantage for the parent who is trying to help keep kids feeling comfortable and in a pleasant mood during an extended outing away from home. All parents learn that a hungry, irritable, moody and short-tempered-child can often change into a happy, compliant child surprisingly quickly after getting some food in the belly. Knowing this, it is important to be prepared with healthy snacks and drinks on hand. This is not about using food to distract or pacify a child, which can lead to confusion and even obesity issues. It is about avoiding a hungry-child meltdown. Be proactive rather than reactive. It is easier to prevent a tantrum than to respond to one.
   

   Pro-tip! Be careful not to offer sweets to a child who is behaving in a way that does not meet with your basic expectations — You don’t want to reinforce negative behavior.

5. A little bribery goes a long way! As a part of laying out your expectations and keeping it positive, it sure can help to tell your children what good thing will happen that they have to look forward to after they succeed. What motivates them? What do they like? What is reasonable and realistic to the situation that will help them to see the light at the end of the tunnel? A pack of Pokemon cards? A stop to their favorite park to run around and play? A stop off for an occasional treat? Twenty minutes of your undivided time and attention doing something they like to do with you? Nobody likes spending the afternoon at the DMV, but if your little ones know what you expect of them and what they have to look forward to at the end of it all, it can really help motivate them to get there. It doesn’t even have to involve money, but the reward should be something they like and can look forward to the same day, preferably immediately after the errand-outing.

While these simple steps are not a guarantee that your children will emerge from 4 hours at the DMV with halos around their heads, it does stack the cards in your favor – and as parents, we sure can use every advantage we can get!

Adam M. Horn, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Strength to Strength Counseling Services
(615) 624-9000